5.) Alison Kraus and Robert Plant - Stick With Me Baby
- At left is a picture of Newt Gingrich in 1979, when he was tenured Professor of Carnal Passions at Ball So Hard University.
4.) The Breeders - Saints
- I went to see The Breeders at Lollapalooza '94. I'd never seen someone expend that much energy as they did in their set. The Deal sisters never did coke and that was years before Red Bull, which is repackaged Chernobyl drinking water. Enjoy!
3.) Matt Pond PA - Specks
- Watching an Asian PG from Harvard go for 30+ points in the NBA makes me long for when Brown finally produces a sad, vegan Power Forward.
2.) The Head and The Heart - Cats and Dogs
- I'm auditioning for Montreal's Just For Laughs Comedy Festival this Tuesday at the Comedy Store. Sometimes, when you know a punchline is really going to hit and the crowd is in to it, you feel it coming in your chest like the bass line to this song.
1.) The Mountain Goats - This Year
- I thought about heading to Mexico this weekend. Then the US Government issued a travel warning for all of Mexico. Holy shit! "Don't go anywhere in Mexico, if you value your life." says our government. So our neighbor to the south is now 750,000 square miles of Mogadishu. Totally ruined my Valentine's Day plans.
Aside from having a nice meal and making love to someone you care about, there isn't much difference between being single and in a relationship on Valentine's Day.
- The Panera on Lincoln Blvd. just asked me for first month, last month and security deposit. It has every right. I'm here about 20 hours per week writing this rom-com treatment because it feels too weird writing it at the office. The Panera and I are just friends, though I'd definitely get the Cuban Panini pregnant if it asked.
/Cuban Panini and I are just Facebook friends.
The majority of stand-up shows I've booked over the last three years have been booked through Facebook. I'd love to get off of there if I could. Because nothing incites a tiny panic in me as regularly as "________" tagged you in a Facebook "______."
4.) Soul Coughing - Circles
- I worked on TV Guide's Royal Wedding coverage with Kathy Griffin last week. Top 3 jokes that didn't make it:
1. The wedding is on a Friday because it's crazy expensive to rent Westminster Abbey on a weekend.
2. Swaziland's King was a controversial invite. Whackjobs in Swaziland insist he can't be King of Swaziland because they believe he was actually born on the South Side of Chicago.
3. (Kathy talks about having ginger babies with Prince Harry.) Did you know when Ginger babies open their eyes underwater they can see the future?
3.) Bearbot - Stuntin' Like My Only Swerving
- Can you feel it in the air? That special time of year when decorations go up and there's an Axl Christ in your mall food court? It's UNO DU JUNO!
This year the festivities will be held in the Los Angeles area. Tour begins in Venice Beach at the Venice Wine Bar, where you can drink with 28 year old surfer/waiters who don't use sunscreen so they all look like Iggy Pop.
Then we are biking to Baja Cantina for fresh fruit margaritas. HACK YOUR OWN MANGO STATION! The 3rd Movement in this drunken bike symphony will be a barbecue at the LMU Boathouse accompanied by a mariachi band that I found on Craigslist.
2.)Kate & Anna McGarrigle - Heart Like A Wheel
- I finished Tina Fey's Bossypants this week. Book made me laugh out loud at least once per page. She's the best comedy writer working. She's also from my hometown, Upper Darby.
When I was a kid, I would wake up at 7AM every day of the Summer. I had to be quarantined for three hours by my Dad. If he didn't, I would have started knocking on doors at 7:05 to see who wanted to play box hockey at the Tot Lot. I interrupted a number of families at breakfast before Ed Cunningham instituted the "No Knocking On Doors Before 10AM" Rule.
Tot Lot was a program for latchkey kids run by local parks over the Summer. Rather than go to school, you would report to your local park to learn how to make crafts (some) or learn how delicious glue is (most). Box hockey is a sport pictured here:
Though they look like their playing with props from Game of Thrones and we played with 9" long wooden sticks. Their court looks like what the Ivan Drago of box hockey would train on.
One time the Tot Lot took us to Upper Darby's Summer Stage, which is where Tina Fey started her career. I watched a production of Our Town when I was 9. I'm sure I leaned forward and looked earnest but I understood NONE of it. I was good at convincing other kids that I understood adult things like plays, mustaches, and how you could only conceive a child via anal sex. (True childhood story best told another time.)
Summer Stage used "Heart Like A Wheel" between the second and third acts of Our Town. In the Summer of 1988, I asked my Dad to buy three cassingles: this song, Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock's "It Takes Two", and Samantha Foxx's "I Wanna Have Some Fun." Between these and stealing Owen's copy of "Appetite For Destruction" my musical taste made no sense from an early age.
/Notice it's still AXL Christ that's the mascot for our fake holiday.
1.) The New Pornographers - Failsafe
Bin Laden's extermination nearly broke the internet. Nice job, Navy Seals. Nice job, Obama Administration. Now that he's buried, we begin the long journey of finding his 7 mystical horcruxes.
Top 5 Twitter Jokes:
5. @TedAlexandro: When I saw 'Bin Laden Killed' I thought, "Afghanistan had its correspondents dinner last night?"
4. @ DaveAnthony: "I loosened it." - George W. Bush
3. @NateBargatze: Things are pretty awkward in my cab right now.
2. @OsamaInHell: Standing and cheering at my death is the most exercise Americans have gotten in years.
1. @RobDelaney: First killing pirates and now Bin Laden, he may not be American but Obama is definitely part of the Justice League.
"Obama: I was born in Hawaii.
Birther: Well, I never been but I'm sure that part of Africa as the Liberalest Muslims."
I'm at the Comedy Store, tonight @ 10PM.
8433 Sunset BLVD.
It's a callback for the Montreal Comedy Festival, the most prestigious festival in the world. . Montreal is a wonderful town with an electric little B&B, Les Bons Matins.
Also, I'm writing on Kathy Griffin's coverage of the Royal Wedding. Runs Friday night on TV Guide Network.
Whomever got that done to their nails should enjoy a nice paint-thinner smoothie.
That is the link for Clip Artsy, a blog run by Chris Kula. Recaptions the clip art used in middle schools all over our fine country. It is consistently hilarious.
Later I helped a lady change a tire on the 405. At midnight I got in to a knifefight with a Navajo Shaman, which is of course the third sign needed to make Bob Seger appear and sing your future.
Happy Birthday to Jamie Koven, the only man ever inducted in to the Brown University Hall of Fame during Freshman Orientation.
5.) Sheila E. - The Glamourous Life
I want to go to The Standard Hotel with a boombox and hold it over my head like Cusack while it plays this song for all the wannabe fameballs. Though Kim Kardashian just re-upped for three years and $44M for Keeping Up With The Kardashians so maybe they're on the right track.
$44M! Making oil baron money for being backed up? Kim said, "I want this money to be in my family for generations."
That makes sense if you've ever seen the Kardashian Family Crest. It's a blue cross on a white field, dividing the crest in to four quadrants. In the quadrants are:
- $
- Two Armenian black bears filming a sex tape
- A lion who is also a double murderer walking free after a trial
- A spelling test with an 'F' on it. Because 'country' was spelled with a 'k.'
It's an incredibly prescient family crest.
/Kardashians are pre-cogs
4.) R. Kelly - Love Letter
Since posting Real Househusbands of Philadelphia to YouTube, we've gotten an overwhelmingly positive response. However, one gentleman took issue with a picture of Memorial Hall in Philadelphia which I labeled the 'Museum of the Goatee'. The gentleman is from the Please Touch Museum in Philly, which is a museum for kids. The Please Touch is not labeled in our video, it is not mentioned or referenced. We do not use their signage. And clearly we are not targeting our video toward their clientele, children.
The Please Touch Museum is a great museum which is poorly run. The Philadelphia Inquirer recently did an exposee on how the museum has overloaded itself with debt and has far too many "executives" drawing high salaries compared to museums of similar size and theme. Essentially, the museum has too many guys with big titles who think they can use it as a cash cow. One of those guys complained about the use of Memorial Hall, a 135 year old building which the PTM does not own.
The entire exchange is listed below. I tried to be nice:
If you could please take the outside shot of Please Touch Museum, the children’s museum of Philadelphia, (at approximately the :46 second mark) from your video, we would greatly appreciate it.
Please get back with me to let me know this is taken care of, and thank you in advance.
Joe Costello
Vice President External Relations & Business Development
Please Touch Museum® at Memorial Hall, Fairmount Park
4231 Avenue of the Republic
Philadelphia, PA 19131 215-581-3169 (direct) 267-231-5896 (cell) jcostello@pleasetouchmuseum.org
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hi Joe-
I'm Luke. Nice to meet you. Your email was referred to me by Jen Parker.
I understand that we used a photo of Memorial Hall in our video. However, there is no mention of the museum by name and the video is not at all targeted toward your audience, children.
May I ask why the need to remove the photo if it makes no mention of your facility or the Please Touch Museum and certainly doesn't disparage your wonderful Museum? Each member of our group attended your Museum at its previous location when we were kids. There is no signage of the PTM in the picture. And there is zero chance of people thinking the PTM is in any way affiliated with our work.
It's a joke. One which we feel does not come at the cost of the Please Touch Museum.
All the Best,
Luke
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hi Luke
I appreciate your response and the fact that you all visited the museum as children! But the jist of this is any third party usage of the museum's image must be approved of by the museum and certainly not used for jokes, parodies, skits, etc. without our permission.
You mention that there is zero chance that anyone would associate us with your video. There is always the chance and whether the general public make that association or not, Please Touch Museum does not wish to be associated with the video. We do request that you remove the museum from the video by close of business tomorrow (Thurs. April 14 at 5 pm) .
Thank you again Luke for your timely response.
Joe Costello
VP External Relations
Please Touch Museum
________________________________
From: Luke Cunningham [mailto:lukexcunningham@gmail.com]
Sent: Wed 4/13/2011 6:11 PM
To: Joe Costello
Subject: YouTube Video
> Joe-
>
> I understand why you would want to be associated with our admittedly hilarious video but we opted to never mention your institution. We are honored you took time out of your work day to watch it, especially considering the recent story in the Philadelphia Inquirer that PTM cannot meet its debt obligations and is one of the nation's museums cited for exorbitant administrative costs.
>
> It's a photo of a public building which has stood for 135 years, part of which your institution occupies. The sketch makes no mention of the Please Touch Museum.
>
> Joe, we have no intention of taking it down and are sorry you feel this way.
>
> Feel free to have your lawyer contact me. We've already vetted the video with YouTube and are covered on that end.
>
> In short, spend more time selling subscriptions to your overextended museum and less being a humorless bully. "Please Touch" my balls.
>Byyyeeeeee,
>Luke
3.) Neil Young - Long May You Run
Neil Young played this on Conan's final episode of The Tonight Show.
I read Bill Carter's War For Late Night this week. I was making my way through the book while also preparing a submission for Kimmel and another for Letterman. Either would be a dream job and pay me an absurd amount of money to write jokes. Like, "Buy a house within a year" money.
Comedy is the strangest career. It's risk after risk and years of making nothing while on an apprenticeship which may never amount to a job. But if you hit, it's Kardashian money and suddenly all those risks seem like responsible choices on a clear path to success.
/Still the irresponsible Cunningham brother.
//Will spend any Kimmel salary on scratch tickets, Chipotle and fireworks.
2.) Weezer - Beverly Hills
Brazzers . com has a company soccer team which plays at the field near the Santa Monica Airport every Sunday morning. Austen and I saw them while eating at the Spitfire Grill next to the field. In related news, I will eat Sunday brunch at Spitfire Grill near the Santa Monica Airport from now 'til eternity.
1.) Jeremih & 50 Cent - Down On Me
If you don't like this song WE AIN'T FRIENDS NO MORE! - Aziz Ansari
We shot this sketch Super Bowl weekend. Bird Text show is tonight, April 5 at Helium in Philadelphia. Same guys in this sketch will be performing. Brendan Cunningham worked on this as well, doing a bang-up job holding the hockey stick that doubled as a boom mic. And doing it with what turned out to be a torn labrum.
